Too Much
by Kitty Cullen-03
Summary: Edward wakes up to a world he could have never imagined and hasdifficulty coping with his new reality... sometimes it's just toomuch. A collab between Kitty Cullen-03 & tiffaninichole for the TIBTOContest.


**Two Is Better Than One Contest**

**Story Name:**** Too Much**

**Pen names: Kitty Cullen-03 & tiffaninichole**

**Pairing: Jasper & Edward *swoon***

**Summary: Edward wakes up to a world he could have never imagined and has difficulty coping with his new reality... sometimes it's just too much. A collab between Kitty Cullen-03 & tiffaninichole for the TIBTO Contest.**

**Disclaimer: We don't own Jasper *pouts* But we **_**do**_** enjoy making Stephenie's boys have teh buttsecks. It's hawt.**

**To see more same sex lovin', visit the C2:**

**www. fanfiction. net/community/Two_is_Better_Than_One_Contest/86112/**

**:JE:JE:JE:**

I opened my eyes, immediately cursing that decision before closing them again. The room was way too bright—offensively bright.

From my quick glance of the room, I could see that I wasn't home. I didn't know where I was, so I guessed that last night was a success. My feeling like shit affirmed _just _how much of a success it was. Everything hurt. Was it possible for the hairs on your legs to hurt? 'Cause mine did.

I wiggled my toes to make sure I wasn't paralyzed—a habit I'd picked up after hanging out with Emmett for all these years. He always got me into some mess and I always had to make sure that I didn't wake up the next day dead or paraplegic.

Toes wiggled, which meant I wasn't either. The day was off to a good start.

I tried to move, but fuck, it hurt too bad and I groaned.

"Edward? Thank God!"

My eyes were still closed, but the voice was unmistakable—my best friend and roommate, Jasper.

"Jas?" Oh shit, my throat hurt. I sounded like shit and was forced to speak in a hoarse whisper. "Close the blinds, will you?"

"Yeah, yeah."

I almost immediately heard his footsteps followed by the soft whooshing of curtains being pulled. My eyes barely cracked open and stayed that way. But despite the welcome darkness shrouding the room, it was still way too damn bright.

"Jas?" He was back by my side before I'd finished saying his name.

"Yeah? Are you okay?"

He grabbed my limp hand, holding it between his palms and I yanked it away, wondering what the hell his problem was.

I just shrugged it off. Maybe he was hungover or something— he sure as hell _looked _the part. Jas was always sensitive and shit when he was drunk, anyway. "You look like hell. What happened last night?"

It was true, he looked almost as shitty as I felt. Red-rimmed eyes, sallow skin, greasy hair, wrinkled clothes...

"Last night?" Now it was _his _turn to look confused.

"Uh, _yeah_, douche, _last night_." I rolled my eyes and cleared my throat. "Fuck, can you get me a beer or something? My throat is killing me."

"Beer?"

"What are you, a damn parrot?"

His eyes widened. "You... you don't remember?"

"Remember what? What happened?"

He rubbed his palms over his face. "Shit. Okay, you need to stay calm. I don't want you having a stroke or something."

Jasper's eyes were darting around the room, which was something he always did when he was nervous and didn't have anything good to say. My heart was thudding loudly in my chest— I was scared shitless about hearing the next words that were going to come out of his mouth.

"What the hell happened, Jasper?"

"Um, well... there was an accident—but everyone's okay, relax." The last part was quickly added when he saw the panic on my face.

"We're in the hospital," he said slowly, like he was afraid of my freaking out. "You were in a car wreck—a bad one. You've been in a coma for a little over a month."

It took a second for his words to sink in, and once they did, I was flooded with all of the shit that I hadn't noticed before. The annoying beeping of various machines, the shuffling of feet outside the door, the uncomfortable ass-less hospital gown I had on, a thousand tubes poking out of my arms...

I closed my eyes and I threw my head back, groaning. "Fuck, what about graduation? How the fuck am I gonna catch up?"

"Edward, we're not in college anymore, man."

"What?" My head shot off the pillow.

"We graduated. Years ago. Um... you're married now."

I was dizzy, the room was spinning and I closed my eyes to stop it. What the hell was going on? Married? What the fuck? My throat felt constricted. I couldn't breathe.

"Her name is Rosalie Hale-Masen." He continued. "You met her a few months after graduation at a Barnes & Noble."

Rosalie Hale-Masen. She _hyphenated_?

"Wait a minute—where is she? Why isn't she here?" Maybe she was using the bathroom or getting a cup of coffee or something.

His eyes darkened before he quickly covered the slip with a cool mask of indifference. "She figured you wouldn't be waking up any time soon, so she, uh... went to a salon to get her hair highlighted."

My mouth fell open as I processed his words.

Salon?

A door slid open and someone came into the room but I was too lost in my thoughts to pay any attention. Graduated? Married? Did I have any kids? Oh fuck, was I a dad?

My breathing became labored as I thought of the responsibility. I wasn't ready for kids. Up until a few minutes ago, I'd thought I was still partying it up in college. What the hell was I going to do if I had kids?

After interrupting my thoughts and badgering me with a bunch of questions, some genius doctor concluded that I had amnesia. No fucking shit.

Over the next few days, my reflexes, muscle tone, strength, blood sugar, hydration level and a thousand other things were tested and retested. When I got a clean bill of health, I was given my release forms and couldn't get out of the place fast enough.

I kept asking about my wife but apparently she had the worst timing in history and kept showing up when I was asleep. Jasper was always there, though. I didn't think he'd left my side once since I'd woken up, he always insisted on staying with me, much to the nurse's chagrin.

After signing the final papers, I was wheeled downstairs to the entrance of the hospital to my awaiting wife. I couldn't lie. I was excited as hell to see the woman who'd tied me down. She had to be pretty fucking phenomenal to have put an end to my playboy ways.

Once I was wheeled to the drop-off/pick-up area, I noticed that the lot was empty, save for one car. One expensive, top-of-the-line car.

_I could afford that?_

She waved at me from inside of the car and I smiled in response, slowly walking to the passenger side door while mentally patting myself on the back for snagging such a knockout. My wife was _hot_.

Once I got in, she leaned over and hesitantly kissed my cheek. "Hi."

Not the greeting I was expecting, but she was probably trying not to overwhelm me. I decided to lighten the mood and smiled goofily. "Hello, wife. Long time, no see."

She chuckled and started the engine.

Rosalie wasted no time and started filling me in on all I had missed while I was out, gossip about people I couldn't remember and parties that I couldn't care less about.

While going on about random people and random things, she'd snuck in a few bits of information that I actually _wanted _to know. Like finding out that we'd been married for four years and we had no kids.

Thank God for that. Kids would have been too much for me to handle.

The car stopped and Rosalie took a deep breath before turning to me. "We're here!"

I looked out of the window and took in the view.

_Whoa._

_Nice._

After going inside, she gave me a tour of the house and, honestly, the interior left a lot to be desired. The place had no... _manliness_. Everywhere I looked, there was pink and frill and lace and flowers. Even our bedroom held no traces of me and my tastes. It was as if she'd decorated the house with no consideration for what I liked.

I sat on the edge of our bed, keeping my back rigid because I didn't wanna mess anything up. I wasn't comfortable enough to get completely relaxed here—that might take a while. There was a TV remote lying next to me and I picked it up, absently turning it around in my hands. I didn't even know how to work the thing.

"So, where's Jasper?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "I'm surprised he wasn't there when I picked you up. I swear, you guys might as well be joined at the hip."

She stood by the dresser, taking off her jewelry as she prepared to take a shower. She said after coming home from the spa, she always liked taking a long shower to complete the relaxation process.

I had a feeling that going to the spa was a very common occurance for my wife. That was surprising, since I normally went for the more low-key type chicks.

"Well, we're best friends, so—"

"Oh, I forgot to tell you! We're having a welcome home party tomorrow night just for you. Everyone will be here."

I cringed. "Everyone?"

"Uh-huh. The Denalis, the Cullens, the Newtons, the Yorkies... you know, all of our friends."

They were no friends of mine. I couldn't even fucking remember them.

I didn't feel comfortable going to a party, let alone throwing one in my own damn house. I'd just gotten out of the hospital and felt overwhelmed with all of the new information I was receiving. I just wanted to relax and get caught up on all of the things I had missed in life. The last thing I wanted to do was entertain a bunch of people that I didn't know in a pink and lace goddamn house.

I was about to tell Rosalie as much when she turned to me with bright eyes and a huge smile. She was so buoyant. And fuck, I didn't want to step on any toes or ruin her excitement, so I kept my mouth shut and gave her a tight smile back.

As she stripped down for her shower, I averted my gaze. It was pretty fucking weird to watch a woman that I didn't know undress in front of me. She was my wife, but I kind of felt that I was violating her privacy or something. I knew it was ridiculous, but I couldn't help it.

When Rosalie was in the bathroom, I went downstairs in search of the kitchen. I was starving and had been since I'd woken up days ago—I figured my stomach was just making up for lost time because that hospital food was some bullshit. I needed _real_ food.

I finally found the kitchen and set out to find something to eat.

My mouth watered when I found a plate of barbecue ribs in the refrigerator and I was tempted to eat the fuckers cold. But I decided to act like I had some sense and heat them up in the microwave. As the plate rotated around and around, the delicious, meaty aroma spread throughout the room and I watched impatiently as each second ticked down on the timer.

When the microwave beeped, I couldn't get the ribs fast enough, snatching them out and practically running to the dining room table. I picked one up, smiling as the saucy goo oozed onto my fingers before I opened my mouth to take a bite.

"What are you doing?"

Annoyed, I turned to my wife. "Eating."

"Oh, honey, no." She shook her head, walked over and snatched my plate. "We don't eat ribs."

I got up and followed her retreating form to the kitchen, more than a little irritated.

"Then why do we have them in our house, Rosalie?"

"Jasper brought them over and I forgot to throw them away."

The fuck? "Throw them away?"

Before the question was out of my mouth, my lovely wife had scraped those tender ribs into the garbage disposal. I was too stunned and pissed to think with any type of coherency, watching as she pulled a cup from the fridge.

"_This_," she shoved the cup in my face, smiling proudly, "is our dinner—a green smoothie!"

"Green... smoothie...?"

_Does. Not. Compute._

"Mmmhmm, they're yummy and _uber _healthy."

Healthy? _Fuck that_. I took the cup from her and looked down at the lumpy, thick lawn juice. It smelled like fucking dirt and seaweed. My lip turned up in disgust but she didn't notice because her attention had turned to texting on her futuristic looking cell phone. I almost laughed out loud. I _was_ in the future.

She put the phone down, completely oblivious to how angry I was. "That was Victoria, she just RSVP'd. I've been trying to decide what to wear tomorrow night—"

A car horn blared outside and Rosalie rolled her eyes as she walked away. "That would be your other half. I'll be upstairs."

About a minute later, Jasper came into the kitchen and laughed. "I figured you'd be in here with one of those." He nodded to the stinky drink in my hand. "So I brought you this."

He dropped a fat, greasy bag onto the kitchen counter and I almost cried tears of joy. But I was too hungry to waste time and energy on crying, so I just settled on tearing through the bag and devouring everything in it—a double bacon cheeseburger, large fries, large onion rings and a large chocolate shake.

"Fuck, Jas." I moaned as I stuffed a few fries into my mouth. "I fuckin' love you, you know that?"

He looked a little stunned, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he smiled nervously. "I... I love you too, Edward."

"Hey, what's wrong? You okay?" I took a deep pull of my shake and shoved some burger into my pie hole. _So good._

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm cool."

**:JE:JE:JE:**

"_Oh God," I moaned, unable to help the throaty groan from escaping my lips. I felt a warm hand wrap around my cock as lips moved over the back of my neck. The hand wasn't gentle, immediately giving me a rough tug, making my hips thrust forward with want. I'd never felt so on fire, never needed something so badly. "Shit," I grunted, feeling another pull on my cock. _

"_That's right, Edward, I __want you to come for me, baby. I know you love my hands on your cock__." I could hear the cocky smirk in his voice as his lips lingered above my heated skin._

"_You fucking know I do, Jasper." I panted, turning my body to press against his._

I sat up in bed with a start, eyes widening in shock.

_Jasper?_

Frowning, I crawled out of bed and went into the kitchen for a drink of water, trying to clear my head. The problem wasn't so much the dream itself, because people had weird dreams all of the time. What bothered me was the fact that it didn't seem like a dream at all. It was so real... like a _memory_.

The last six months had been tough enough as it was, as I attempted to fit back in and regain the boring life that I didn't know I had. My relationship with Rosalie was rocky at best and I often wondered if it had always been that way—like I was never a priority for her.

I tried to force myself to feel the things a husband should feel for his wife—lust, love, _some _kind of attraction—but it just wasn't happening. I couldn't force what wasn't there, and judging by the piteous looks I got from some of our close "friends," I guessed it had never been there in the first place.

I put my glass of water down and let my head fall into my hands, rubbing vigorously. Why the fuck was I dreaming about Jasper of all people? Why was it so _real_? I thought back to the time we'd spent together during my recovery—he was always there, always encouraging. I smiled at the thought.

Every now and then, I'd notice him giving me a look that I couldn't place, leaving me confused as he'd hurriedly look away when he knew he'd been caught. Other times, he'd try to subtlety touch me when we were deep in conversation, his fingers lingering a little too long on my skin. I never acknowledged it, though. _Couldn't _acknowledge it.

But after having _that _dream, I didn't think I could put it off any more.

I didn't go back to bed that night, instead watching TV until it was a respectable hour to call someone. Digging out my phone, I dialed his number, not knowing what the fuck to say.

"_Hey, Ed, what's up?_" he answered, sounding chipper and sun-shiny.

Come to think of it, Jasper _always_ seemed overly excited whenever I called him... but we were best friends, so that was normal.

Right?

"Can I come over? We need to talk," I blurted out, wasting no time with my request.

"_Sure, man, uh, come on over._"

We talked awkwardly for a few more minutes before hanging up and I immediately went out into the garage to get into my car.

It didn't take long before I was nervously wiping my palms on my jeans and knocking on his door.

"Hey, man. What's up?" His face was pinched with concern as I walked past him into the living room.

I swallowed thickly, not exactly sure how to proceed. "Did… uh… shit, I'm so fucking confused." I started pacing and roughly ran a hand through my hair. "Jas, I had this fucking dream, but it wasn't _really_ a dream. I mean, I don't... I just can't shake it. It was so goddamned _real_, like it actually fucking happened. I don't even—that's crazy, right?" I laughed dryly.

I felt silly even bringing it up because the idea that _that_ actually happened was fucking bananas. After a silence that lasted too long for my liking, I finally got up the nerve to look at him and felt the blood drain from my face.

His expression told me everything that I needed to know and my eyebrows rose to my hairline. "Please tell me you're joking." I choked.

"Is that all you remember?" His question threw me off.

"What? What does that mean?" I went back to pacing, trying to make sense of what was going on.

"I mean… is that the only thing you remember—that one time?" My head whipped in his direction at his implication.

"It happened more than once?" I staggered back a few steps, my knees almost giving out from under me. This couldn't be happening. What the fuck was going on?

"Edward," Jasper began, walking toward me with his hands up in surrender. "We've been in a relationship for years. But if it makes you feel any better, it wasn't… it wasn't just sex. It never was. I love you… and for a while there, you loved me too."

I fell onto the couch as his words assaulted me and he began pacing the floor with a fury I'd never seen ghosting his eyes.

"God, Edward, your wife treats you like shit! For Christ's sake, she was in salons, throwing shindigs, getting _Botox_, all while you were in a fuckin' coma!"

He stopped and kneeled in front of me, his eyes pleading as his hands rested on my knees. "What we had was _good_, Ed. _Real _good. You have no idea how hard it was when I realized that you'd forgotten everything we had."

I shot off the couch, crossing the room in three steps to get away from him. This was too much. Too fucking much.

"Jasper... I'm not gay." I felt ridiculous for even having to _say_ the words, but from what he had just told me, I thought that minor detail needed a revisit.

He growled and was in my face in an instant, roughly grabbing my face as his eyes pierced into mine. We were both breathing harder than normal, the air charged and thick between us. Before I could say a word, his lips were pressed to mine, hard, needy, desperate. And for a second, I allowed myself to get lost in the way he felt. His chest against mine, his thigh settled between my legs, his hands clutching my shirt, his hot mouth absorbing my groan...

I pushed him away, backing against a wall, shaking my head with wide eyes. "I... I'm _not _fucking gay," I stuttered.

He curled his lip and took a step back. "You keep telling yourself that, Edward." He looked at me with narrowed eyes before turning and walking away, pushing the door of his bathroom open and slamming it behind him.

I guessed that meant the conversation was over.

The next few weeks passed with little incident; Jasper would come over as usual and we would pretend _that _day never happened. But shit had changed between us; we both knew it. There was no fucking denying it. Honestly, I was thankful that he didn't try to make another move because I still wasn't ready to think about what the fuck was going on. It was too much.

Each night, after Rosalie had fallen asleep, I would lay awake and try to remember something. _Anything_. Nothing ever came.

The days passed slowly, monotonously. I had nothing to look forward to.

One afternoon, I found myself alone and sitting in the back of the library. No book was in my hand, no iPod buds in my ear. I just wanted silence. I wanted to _remember_.

"You've got to get out and do something, Edward." I nearly flew three feet out of my chair when I felt hands on my shoulders and heard Jasper's whispered words.

"Jesus, Jasper, what the hell are you doing here?" I shrugged his hands off of me and frowned as I looked up at him.

"The better question is what the hell are _you_ doing here? I'll take a wild guess and say that my assumptions are correct—life with Rosalie is just _that _bad." He chuckled and I glared at him, not responding because he was right. I was there because of her. Because my life was fucked up and confusing and everything that I never wanted.

"That's what I thought," he smugly teased when he saw my reluctance.

"I just needed to get out." I grumbled. He circled me and sat down across the table.

"So, why didn't you come to my house?"

How the fuck could I tell my best friend that I didn't want to see him? That being in his presence made my stomach knot and my brain fog?

I stared at him for a minute, taking in the curve of his lips and the wisps of fine hair curling around his hairline before snapping myself out of it and answering. "I really just felt like being alone. I've been trying to remember… things that I've lost. Alone seems to be best way to do that, but it didn't help. At least, not this time. I got nothing." I sighed, shrugging.

A sad smile graced his face as he looked me over. "I've got pictures. They say that's supposed to help, right?" My head snapped up.

"Yeah. I mean, they haven't helped me yet, but... why didn't you say anything before?"

Rosalie had looked at pictures with me a handful of times but she would constantly distract me by going on and on about parties and charities and galas... sometimes I wondered if she did those things purposely. I wondered if she preferred my ignorance—this "new" husband who was complacent and knew nothing of the undoubtedly numerous problems that smothered our relationship before my amnesia hit.

Jasper brought me out of my musings. "Because I wanted you to at least remember _something_ before I threw them at you, that's why."

We sat there, facing each other, gazes intense and unwavering in the quiet building. When I realized that we were slowly inching toward each other, I squeezed my eyes shut and hurriedly distracted myself by digging through my pockets for my keys. "Okay, yeah, we can go and look at the pictures."

He smiled sadly and stood, motioning for me to follow him to his car. I didn't protest. The drive was quick and silent, both of us having nothing and everything to say.

When we got to his house, I let myself in and took a seat on the couch while he went back to his room. A few minutes later, he was standing in front of me with a shoebox in hand.

"Here." He thrust the box into my hands and sat on the other end of the couch. I didn't look up at him as I pulled the lid off, grabbing a handful of the photos inside and flipping through them.

Jasper and I on the beach, laughing at some unknown joke.

Us smiling widely and holding each other close in front of a waterfall.

The two of us snuggling on a couch, kissing through our smiles. It must have been taken by Jasper—his arm was outstretched holding the camera.

_How could I have forgotten this?_

I couldn't stop looking at the picture of us on his couch. We were laughing. Jasper's face was flushed and his cheeks were dimpled with laughter. I brought my fingers to the picture and gently touched his glossy face.

"_Don't take a picture, Jasper! What's with you and that damn camera?" I was fighting him for the camera, laughing as he moved it out of my reach._

"_Why are _you_ so camera shy? You have such a pretty face." He teased, holding the camera up in the air again as he slipped his arm around me. I leaned over and nuzzled his cheek quickly, causing a bright smile to erupt on his face. He looked so beautiful and carefree and in that moment, I loved him more than ever__ before__. I tilted my head and kissed him right before he snapped the picture. "See, now was that so bad?" He chuckled, tossing the camera onto the seat beside him before tackling me to the ground._

The picture slipped from my hand and fluttered to the floor. "I... I remember that."

I stood up and started pacing the length of the living room, which was apparently my new past time. "I don't understand. I can't remember—I'm not _gay_!"

Maybe if I said it enough, we would both believe it. "I'm not, Jas. I'm not gay."

I heard Jasper sigh from the couch as he came to stand behind me. He rested his hands on my shoulders and brought his face to my ear. "You remember that picture, and you still say that you're not gay?"

"I'm not." It was a weak response, but it was all I had. "I'm not—" the words died on my lips as his warm tongue slid against my earlobe, his hands gently kneading my shoulders. Goosebumps pebbled my arms as his warm breath spread across my neck.

"If you're not gay, Edward, then explain to me why you shiver when I kiss you here?" he whispered against my skin, placing light kisses over the base of my neck. An involuntary shudder ran through my body and I gulped, refusing to acknowledge my cock straining inside of my jeans. I was fighting this, fighting against something that I didn't understand and probably never _would _understand. His hand left my shoulder, lowered to my chest, making me jump when he pinched my nipple through my shirt... lower and lower until he was cupping the bulge in my pants. "If you're not _gay_, why are you so fucking hard for me?"

He ground his hard length into my ass and I fought to keep my hands from grabbing his head and pulling his mouth to mine. "If you're not _gay_, Edward, why do you want this?"

"I don't know." I groaned, unconsciously pushing my cock harder into his hand.

"Well _I _fucking know. You want me to bend you over this couch and _take_ you. Hard and rough— just the way you like it." His hand crept up to snap the button of my jeans open. "I don't expect anything from you right now, Edward. Just let me show you how good we are together. You don't have to be afraid."

A shaky breath passed my lips as I finally gave in and nodded in defeat. There was no fighting this. He was right—so fucking right. I _did _want him. Jasper's hand pushed my zipper down and slid into my jeans. This was so fucking wrong. I wasn't gay...

I gasped when he grabbed me through my boxers, my hands clenching into fists as I tried one last time to fight whatever the hell this was between us.

"Just let go, Edward... let me show you," he pleaded, still stroking me lightly. I closed my eyes, took in a shaky breath and hesitantly lifted my hand until it was tangled in Jasper's hair, silently urging him on. I felt him smile against my skin as his free hand pushed my jeans and boxers down, letting go of me only long enough to push them off completely until I stepped out of them.

His hands were frantically roaming over my back and I licked my lips, grunting when his fingers grazed my ass.

"Walk to the wall and brace yourself."

I didn't look back at him as I did as he'd asked, walking forward and stopping directly in front of the wall, placing my hands on the cool surface for leverage.

Jasper came to stand by my side and looked at me for a long second before running his fingers over my stubbled jaw. "God, I've missed you."

Before I could think of a response, he lowered to his knees in front of me and I groaned, my dick hardening even more as I looked down at him.

"Jas..." It was a plea. A plea for him to stop, a plea for him to give me an excuse out of this mess... a plea for him to love me, show me, take me.

His lips immediately wrapped around my cock and I started panting, lolling my head forward as he took all of me in his mouth. All of me. Not stopping until his nose touched the wiry hairs at the base of my dick.

My knees damn near gave out and it was then that I realized why he wanted me to brace myself against the wall.

I moved a hand to his hair, gripping tightly as I lost myself and thrust deeper into his lips. I needed more, harder, faster. My eyes were glued to him, my cock, wet and glistening, disappearing into his mouth as I fucked it. It was too much. I couldn't stop. Faster. His tongue was doing things, things that made my balls tighten and I gripped his hair tighter, his mouth was so fucking hot, so wet.

"Shit, Jas."

I forced my cock in further, my breathing ragged as he hummed around me. He gagged and grabbed my ass to take me deeper, hungry eyes rising to meet mine. The gagging spurred me on and my other hand gravitated to his hair, my eyes never leaving his as I fisted it, grunting his name and urging him to take more.

He pulled his own cock out, roughly running his closed hand up and down its length, moaning around me. I shoved my dick in further, hitting the back of his throat, making him gag over and over again.

He was everywhere... his scent, his hands, his mouth...

"Fuck."

I had to close my eyes, had to escape from Jasper because everything about him overwhelmed me. The way his eyes rolled into the back of his head when I tugged on his hair, the way he'd dig his nails into my ass each time I hit the back of his throat, the way his eyes darkened when he knew I was watching him.

He groaned loudly, the sound muffled by my cock, his head jerking wildly as he released a long stream onto the floor between my legs, still frenziedly pumping his dick, still taking more of me into his mouth.

It was too much.

I came hard, so fucking hard, gasping for air and stuttering his name, begging him to never stop as he swallowed everything that I gave.

He grabbed the base of my cock and pulled it out of his mouth, keeping his eyes locked on mine as he licked up my length, flicked his tongue over my slit, swirled it around the head.

"Fuck." I couldn't catch my breath, couldn't tear my eyes away from what he was doing.

He kissed it all over. Soft, wet kisses on every inch of my dick before he stood in front of me and grabbed my hand, holding it gently in his.

"Thank you," he whispered, smiling softly with love shining in his eyes. We stood in silence, getting lost in each other.

"I love you, Edward." His thumb was caressing my cheekbone and I leaned into his touch.

I was shaken when I felt the need to say it back. I wanted to tell him that I loved him because, fuck, I did. I fucking loved Jasper. But I couldn't admit it out loud. I wasn't ready—everything was happening so fast. It was just too much. I needed more time.

"I have to go, Jasper. I have to go home." He pressed his forehead against mine, nodding in understanding.

"I know you do. I'll stop by tomorrow." He chastely kissed my lips and turned around, going into the bathroom. I didn't wait for him, grabbing my pants and putting them on quickly before walking out the door.

I didn't sleep that night.

So much shit was running through my mind and I was so goddamned overwhelmed about everything that was going on. I was gay. I was in love with Jasper and he gave me the best blowjob of my life.

My best friend sucked my dick.

Thinking about it made me hard as fuck and I had to relieve myself in the bathroom three times before my cock finally calmed down.

**:JE:JE:JE:**

After months of avoiding Jasper and hiding out in our home, Rosalie guilted me into going to some luncheon, complaining that our "friends" were starting to whisper behind her back about why we were never out together.

I figured I'd made her life difficult enough, so I just kept my mouth shut and dealt with it. Putting up with a few snooty assholes for a few hours wasn't that big of a deal and I didn't feel like arguing.

Of course, the so-called luncheon turned out to be an extravagant event, complete with a maître d' and thousand-dollar tablecloth.

I zoned out as soon as we were seated, thinking of Jasper's... _everything_. His eyes, his smile, his mouth...

Fuck, that mouth. I'd never felt anything like it. And the way he _looked _at me while my cock was down his throat... it was fucking unreal.

I had to think of something else before my semi turned into a full-blown hard-on.

I wanted to knock on his door, kiss him, declare my feelings for him.

But I just wasn't ready yet.

He'd called nonstop and come to the house numerous times, but I never answered. I couldn't. I'd hoped he understood that I needed time. I needed to sort my life out, rediscover myself before I could fully commit to him.

I knew I wanted to be with him, but I tried not to think of that too often. If I did, I'd have to acknowledge the fact that I was gay and that was something that I just wasn't ready to deal with.

I wasn't ready yet.

Two days ago, the calls and visits stopped. It was a relief, knowing he finally got that I needed to be left alone, at least for now. I just needed a little more time.

"... Jasper were lovers."

I was jarred out of my thoughts when I heard Jasper's name. Fighting to keep my face neutral, I turned to my wife. "What about Jasper?"

Everyone at our table was giggling and I didn't like the sound of it. A quiet, reserved and pretentious chuckle that wealthy aristocrats around the world used when they were discussing those who were less than they were.

"We were just discussing Jasper and the fact that he was in love with you."

I couldn't hide the shock on my face, mouth gaping and eyes bulging as my heart thundered in my chest. "What? What are you talking about?"

They knew?

They knew about the affair?

Rosalie turned to me, smiling like a vulture, the smile of a woman who was about to spill juicy gossip. "Well, apparently, Jasper was in love with you and couldn't take the fact that the feelings weren't returned—"

My breathing picked up, pulse pounding in my ears. "What?"

He couldn't take it?

Didn't he know?

Didn't he know that I chose him?

I just needed more time.

"... before he left. Didn't tell anyone where he was going, but my guess would be San Francisco."

The chuckling erupted again and my fists clenched as rage curdled inside of me.

He was better than them, _all_ of them.

He was better than _me_.

He'd left.

He'd reached out to me before he left and I shunned him.

But I thought he knew.

Damn it, why didn't he _know?_

It was _him_, it was _always _him.

I couldn't breathe.

I loosened my collar and gulped in air but I still couldn't breathe.

I had to get out of there. I had to leave before the thick, sweltering air suffocated me.

"Edward? Honey, where are you going?"

I had to go.

I had to find him.

I had to tell him.

All of this was too much, but it wasn't enough if he wasn't by my side.

Nothing was _anything_ without him.

Stumbling through the exit, the weight of losing Jasper pummeled me as soon as the biting, fall air pricked at my skin.

I'd never see him again.

I could spend the rest of my life searching and never find him.

I still couldn't breathe.

A hand tentatively touched my shoulder. "Edward, what's going on?"

I turned to my wife, surprised to see genuine concern etched across her face. She caressed my cheek, frowning.

"Are you alright?"

How could I tell my wife that I wasn't okay? That the one person who could make it okay was gone and I was in love with him?

I couldn't do that to her.

Once upon a time, Rosalie and I had loved each other—we were happy.

I couldn't defile that.

I'd have to leave if I confessed and I didn't know where to go. And leaving her would be pointless if Jasper was no longer in my life.

Being Rosalie's husband was trying, but I could do it. I could pretend to be happy and maybe after enough pretending... I'd grow to believe it.

I would wait for him and hope that he came back, but I just couldn't abandon the life I'd created here with the hope that he'd return.

He'd always know where to find me. And I would wait. I'd wait until the last breath left my body.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat and nodded a little too enthusiastically. "Yeah, I'm alright."

She smiled halfheartedly. It didn't reach her eyes. "Come on, let's go back inside."

Her hand lowered to mine and she slowly twined our fingers together. "Ready?"

I nodded. My throat was too tight for words.

I could do this. I could pretend. And if everything became too much, maybe I'd just think of Jasper and remember the gift he'd given me, the glimpse I'd gotten into what could have been.

That would have to be enough.


End file.
